


blessings wait for you

by seungminnie_bby



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alone, Anxiety, Capslock, Depression, OT9 - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide mention, i love my boys i wouldnt hurt them ever :((, im sorry in advance, lonely, stray kids - Freeform, trigger warning, unwanted feeling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-01 06:55:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17239529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungminnie_bby/pseuds/seungminnie_bby
Summary: dont give up, you persevered until now. whats the worry? believe in yourself





	1. please deceive me

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS  
> IMAGERY OF BLOOD, RAZORS, AND PILLS  
> NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART
> 
> dont give up, you persevered until now. whats the worry? believe in yourself
> 
> small text intended  
> please dont kill me

he closed the bathroom door with a slight slam, unaware at the time. he put his head gently on the door and cried softly. usually, he didnt cry when he had panic attacks, but today was different. he turned around and sat against the door, his legs hugged up close to his chest. he covered his mouth with one hand and sobbed into it. he felt as though there was a heavy, crushing feeling on his chest, preventing him from breathing. his forehead was pounding in pain, and sweat dripped down his forehead, mixing with his salty tears. he usually had panic attacks; but nothing like this.

he felt like he was worthless, useless, stupid, unwanted. he often stayed in his room until the ungodly hours of the morning slaving away behind a microphone while his bandmates produced the tracks. his eyes always hung heavy from lack of sleep, and he often felt like he could collapse at any moment in time. as well as getting no sleep, he felt he couldnt dance properly anymore. the moves seemed too complicated, even if they were just a simple hand movement. he kept messing up, and he knew his members were annoyed at him for always messing up. he had scrapes and cuts on his hands from where he landed on sidewalks, his tiredness taking over. he became way clumsier now that he got no sleep, and he thought he shouldve died from exhaustion months ago.

no matter how hard he tried, he just couldnt find a reason to go on. sure, there were the fans, but that was it. he  _knew_  his members didnt want him. he  _knew_  that they wanted him gone- out of the group when they had the chance. he thought of leaving stray kids and jyp, and going home to his parents. but they didnt want him either. they hated the fact that he left home to pursue a career in music. they wouldnt even fund towards a hotel in the area while he auditioned. nobody wanted him, and he knew that. he was a mess, an unlovable mess that nobody wants. he always feels like the runt of the group- unwanted, mistreated and  _alone_.

tears streamed down his face at the thought of having to tell somebody about his depression. thats where his anxiety comes into play. hes too afraid- afraid someone would laugh at him, or mock him. he was afraid they wouldnt care about him- afraid that the people he treats like his family would shun him out yet again. he tries to include himself in conversations but finds he doesnt know what to add. he ends up drifting to the back of the group, and away out of the circle. he feels if he were to yell "hey, im gonna go kill myself!" that they wouldnt even hear him, or wouldnt react. would they even care if he left the group? would they care if he left jyp? would they care if he were to die? would anyone notice?

there was a knock on the door that jolted him out of his train of thought. he almost forgot to answer the person outside.

"dont take too long in there; foods here!"

the voice belonged to the rapper, jisung. jisung's footsteps echoed away after a moment, and he resumed crying, heavier this time.

_he doesnt care. hes putting it on to try to seem nice. i know he is._

he stood up, making his way over to the sink. he staggered a bit, but made it. he yanked open the mirror cabinet and looked at it. there were pills, medicine, razors, everything he could use to just end it. he yanked up the sleeve of his sweater and looked at his arm.

deep scars lined his arm; some criss-crossed, some were vertical, others horizontal, others diagonal. he ran a finger over them gently, and he winced at the pain. he hated the sight of blood, but it gave him a feeling of euphoria when he cut. he felt that if he could cut his worries away, then he would be a happier person. but he wasnt. he never the became the person he wanted to be. instead, he became a sad, depressed lump who is worthless, anxious, useless, clumsy, stupid, and much more. he hated himself, and he knew that. he took down the razor and removed the blade from its handle. with a deep breath, he pressed the blade to his skin, a wave for pain and euphoria taking over his body.

another knock came at the door, but he ignored it. the door was locked- no one can get in or out. he just stood and listened to his members begging him to come out. he almost laughed under his breath, but remained silent. as the footsteps finally faded away, he dropped the razor and sat on the toilet, sleep ultimately taking him over.

**********

"come on, jisung! eat something!" jeongin yelled, sending crumbs of pizza across the small practice room. but jisung didnt touch his dinner. he sat staring at the plate beside him. changbin twirled the chicken drumstick around between his fingers, looking at his paper plate with a pale face. jisung walked over to the opposite side of the room, and sat on the couch beside changbin. he continued to watch as changbin looked at the pizza with a look of disgust. jisung put his plate on the ground and closer to the rapper, putting an arm around the back of the couch. 

"you alright?" 

changbin nodded, but jisung knew he wasnt. he knew changbin well- having known him for a little over 4 years. he could tell when something was up. he knew changbin didnt eat a lot of junk food, but touching nothing off his plate? that was unlike changbin.

"whats actually wrong?"

changbin sighed.

"i dont know. i mean, i _think_ i know, but i dont actually know for certain."

jisung sat up and looked at the rapper as he spoke.

"felix hasnt come back from the bathroom. i just dont know if hes alright."

"ill go see." jisung got up and left the room. he reached the bathroom and stopped before he knocked. he heard... _crying_? he knocked gently on the door.

"...yeah?" felix answered, his voice hoarse and croaky. jisung sighed.

"uhh..dinner's here. dont take too much longer, okay?"

there was no response. jisung took deep breaths before backing away, leaving the australian boy alone once again.

he returned to the living room where he sat down next to changbin, his face as pale as changbins. changbin looked over at jisung and sighed. he knew that felix was still in the bathroom. eventually, chan and jeongin came over. jeongin sat on the fool and chan sat beside jisung.

" _whats up? you dont look very happy_." chan whispered in english, meaning he was talking only to jisung. jisung told chan what happened, making sure to whisper in case anyone heard. chan listened and sighed when he heard felixs name. chan asked if jisung knew why felix was alone, and the young rapper shook his head. chan stood up and left the room, with jeongin, jisung and changbin trailing behind him. chan took a deep breath and knocked on the bathroom door.

" _felix, its me, chris. please come out. your foods going cold._ " chan said, hoping that felix might listen, or respond. but nothing happened. the hallway was silent, no noise came from the bathroom. changbin rolled his eyes and started walking away, jisung following. jeongin stayed for a moment, before turning away and running after the rappers. chan stayed. he put his head on the door as a tear formed in his eye. he held it back, and he sighed.

" _felix, please come out. i know what youre going through, but i dont want you to do this to yourself. locking yourself in a bathroom isnt the right thing to do- i should know. please, felix... please..._" chan whispered, his voice barely being heard. he wiped away his tears and turned around. he put his head back on the door, letting his tears run freely down his face. 

he knows what felix was going through- depression. he witnessed felix having a panic attack one night in the living room. chan suggested using the bathroom as a "safe space" to be alone, as thats where he used when he had panic attacks. since then, felix has pretty much never left the bathroom. a part of chan regrets not getting felix help or medication instead of telling him to cry out his emotions in a small bathroom.

chan sat down on the ground, letting a panic attack happen. the realization took over that he left felix alone in a bathroom with the medication and the razors. a huge wave of panic fell over him as he cried into his sweater arm. just then, there was a loud bang and a crash from inside the bathroom. chan stood up and looked at the door.

" _felix, felix? please open the door. please open the...oh god_." chan tried to open the door, only to find it was locked. he cursed under his breath when the young dancer didnt respond. he pulled and pushed at the door all while trying to open the door. he whined in pain from holding too hard on the door handle, but he ignored it and continued to grip harder on the door handle. he backed away and charged at the door, banging himself into it. the door broke open after several tries, and chan pushed his way into the room.

felix lay on the ground surrounded by what chan could presume was his own blood. there was blood in the sink, bloody razor blades and medication that was strewn across the sink, and blood covered most of the room. it looked like felix had tried to wash the blood away in the sink, hence the blood everywhere, and that he tried to overdose on some sort of medicine. chan ran over to felix and turned him over. felix lay in his arms unconscious, blood all over his arms and clothes. he picked up felixs arm and looked at the deep cuts. there was a small bruise forming on the side of felixs head, indicating that he lost balance and fell over, hitting his head off something. chan held felix close as he reached for the towels that were on a small shelf close by. he wrapped felixs arms in the towels, trying to clean up the blood. he took off felixs blood stained clothes and went to get new ones, leaving felix on the floor. he ran felix a bath and gently dropped him in, putting his arms away from the water to avoid any more accidents. he washed felixs hair and body and dried him with a (not bloody) towel. chan put felix in his bed and went into felixs room to look for anything that might be a "comfort item" to felix. he settled on a small moomin plush that woojin bought him for his 17th birthday. he put it next to felix and got into his bed beside the young boy.

**********

felix slowly opened his eyes and winced in pain at the sudden bright light coming from chans tv. he rubbed his eyes but stopped because his wrists were stinging like mad. he looked at them, to see that bandages were wrapped around both wrists. he saw that he was changed, and his hair was damp. he looked over to see chan sitting there in his bed watching a netflix show of sorts. he moved over in chans massive bed and put his head on chans chest. he looked up at his leader and saw that he wasnt looking at him, but smiling as if he were. his big hand fell into felixs damp, ginger hair and started rubbing a small bit between his fingers. he giggled.

" _in theory, i should have dried your hair because now im wet_." chan smiled and looked down at his fellow australian member. felix smiled and sat up. he looked back down at his wrists and the smile faded from his face.

" _what did you do?_ " felix asked, looking back at his leader who had paused his show. he turned to felix with a confused look. " _about my hair, and..and my wrists_!"

"you _were unconscious when i broke into the bathroom- literally- and you were covered in blood. so, i wrapped your wrists in towels, washed your body and your hair clean of any blood, put bandages on your wrists and got you changed. i washed your clothes to try to get rid of the blood but...there was a lot. and the bathroom was easy to clean. but can i ask you one thing- you have to be honest. why are you doing this to yourself, _lix _?_ " chan looked at him with concern. felix sat up.

 _"i...i dont know why. i cut myself before, and i swore id never do it again but...the temptation took over and i couldnt control myself._ its _like my depression took over me and told me to...to do it. im so sorry, chris. i shouldve been more careful...i shouldve...i..._ " felix found himself falling into chans arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

" _no, felix. youre fine. youre fine...shh...its okay_." chan held his member close, rubbing his back gently. " _why did you take pills?_ "

" _theyre painkillers for my wrist pain. i took them to try to stop the pain. i tried washing my cuts under water but it made it worse_." felix sat up and looked up at chan with sincerity. " _i wasnt trying to overdose- i promise_!"

" _i know, lix. i was just curious. now, i think its time that i tell you about the magical world of depression medication_."

felix gulped, and chan giggled slightly.

" _dont laugh!_ "

" _im not. dont be scared, felix, it wont kill ya._ " chan sat up. " _plus, i think its time you learn more about depression than what you read off the internet._ "

chan hugged felix who launched himself at the leader. 

" _thank you, for everything, chris. i appreciate it. thank you_." felix smiled into chans chest.

 _"anytime. i love you, lix, you know that?_ " chan smiled into felixs damp hair.

felix nodded.

" _mhm. i love you too, chris_."

from that day onwards, felix didnt use the bathroom as his "safe space". he told everything to chan. he listened and helped his member come out of his "dark side" and helped him successfully debut as a happy member of stray kids.

 

 


	2. addicted to life

changbin sleepily walked down the dark hallway, stumbling around as if he were drunk. he eventually reached a door, which he opened quietly. changbin pondered into the room and closed the door behind him. he sat down in a chair and rubbed his sleepy eyes. changbin pulled himself in to a table and opened the laptop that was in front of him. he yawned as the computer booted up, and he immediately opened his producing software. he created the beat to a song with no singing. changbin pulled out a notepad and pen that sat beside him and he began to write lyrics. he wrote several copies of each verses with different lyrics to see which would fit better with the theme of the song.

changbin bit his lip, and looked up at the recording booth before him. he slammed his hands on the table as he stood up. he went into the recording booth and began to sing. he rapped and sung the verses multiple times, as he didnt think they fit with the song theme. after what felt like hours of failed attempts, changbin angrily pulled the headphones off. he turned around and faced the wall, putting his head against it. the wall was cold, and changbin sighed. he rubbed his eyes once again, and he left the recording booth.

he slumped down in the chair once again, and he stared into the recording booth, deep in thought. a couple of seconds later, changbin was bawling, covering his face with his hands and he bawled into them. he couldnt stop the tears, no matter what he did. he tried to wipe away the tears, and that resulted in a wet sweatshirt sleeve and more tears. changbin hated crying. he had fits like this too often to know how horrible crying was. no matter how much inspirational lyrics he wrote, it never made him any happier. it didnt matter how many times he wrote about being happy and about ignoring the dark thoughts, changbin himself never listened to them. only he knew about his fits; not chan or jisung or anyone. changbin was alone, and he knew that. no one knew changbin the way he knew himself. and he wasnt sure if he even knew himself. he was the only one with these thoughts, and he knew that. he was alone, and he knew that.

 

_he mustve been around 16 when he first joined jyp. he failed to qualify for "show me the money", and instead auditioned for several agencies, jyp being the only one to respond. he thought joining jyp would take his mind off his dark thoughts. but changbin seemed to forget that part of being a trainee is having to interact with people. changbin went into an anxiety fit on night; he was in his shared dorm room while his roommates were out partying. changbin had a "f.o.m.o" phase, where he kind of regret not going out, but he knew he wouldnt do anything if he went out. his anxety prevented him from doing a lot of things hed always wanted to do. one of his roommates came home early because he was a minor and couldnt drink. he witnessed changbin have an anxiety attack, and he calmed him down and helped him out of the anxiety attack. he introduced himself as han jisung, a 15-year-old trainee from incheon. he made changbin tea and the two watched a childrens movie while changbin tried not to panic again. jisung soon became one of changbins closest friends, and he introduced him to their other roommate, bang chan; an 18-year-old australian boy. the three formed the hip-hop group, 3racha, shortly after, and they debuted in early 2017._

_changbin knew jisung and chan had depression, and that jisung was insecure about himself. but they didnt know about changbin. he was depressed- heavily -and had major anxiety. they knew this; but they didnt know how changbin himself felt. he was so insecure about himself; he didnt want to sing, dance or rap in front of anyone. if he had to, he would threaten to leave jyp. he hated performing, with a passion. he didnt mind showing people songs he composed, however. jisung and chan took note of this and recorded songs without changbin. its not that he hated performing in general, but just that his anxiety took over and he didnt want to sing in front of everyone. he felt insecure about his raspy voice and about the fact he couldnt sing very well. no matter how much he tried to perfect his voice, changbin just hated the way he sounded._

_one night, changbin went down to the recording room when his roommates were asleep and started to write lyrics in a notepad he brought with him. he wrote about his anxiety and how it affected him. he wrote about how he felt about his friends and what he thinks might happen if he "did something" that could effect 3racha's friendship negatively. he shed tears while writing, his tears making the ink smudge on the page. after he was finished, he opened 3racha's shared laptop and opened a song file he had been working on for a while. he listened to it again, and felt that the lyrics went with the song. he looked up at the recording booth in front of him. he sighed before standing up and marching over to the room. he put the track on and rapped into the microphone while he looked at the lyrics. he felt some lyrics were too long, or didnt fit with the track, so every so often, he would swear loudly before resetting the song and changing the lyrics once again. once he was satisfied, he exited the room and sat down in his char, listening to the track several times to try and see if it sounded alright. after he listened to it for the third time, he smiled to himself, before saving it on the laptop under the name["IF - prod. SPEARB"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP9oqs0B1Wo)._

_he flipped through his notepad once again and found another song, and also found another song on the laptop. he once again began recording, rapping his heart out to the track he called["WOW"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf6a0XjexKw). when he finished, he sat down and listened to the track several times, bopping his head to the track, all while smiling and singing along. for once, he was proud of his work, and he didnt feel ashamed to hear his voice. he blushed slightly at the thought of 3racha hearing his songs, but he just shrugged the thoughts away, and closed the laptop, leaving a folder with the songs in it titled "SPEARB". he left the room and went back to bed, a smile on his face as he drifted off to sleep. the next day, changbin slept in late and was awoken by chan shaking him. he exclaimed loudly that he didnt know changbin's voice was so beautiful, and that he demanded changbin sing in 3racha songs. jisung agreed, saying that "i never imagined you to make such amazing songs, binnie!" changbin smiled and agreed, and thus, 3racha officially debuted._

 

he sobbed loudly to himself, not caring if another member heard. he could barely write lyrics anymore; his exhaustion and depression caught up to him and he didnt feel like himself anymore. he hated everything; composing, rapping, dancing, people, jyp, life. he hated it all. he just wanted to curl up in a ball of depression and anxiety and cry forever. nobody loved him; and he didnt love himself. changbin was aware that he was alone, and that didnt bother him anymore. he was used to the pain. he was used to the heartbreak. he was used to it all. 

changbin cried into his knees, wishing the pain to go away. it hurt worse than ever; a sharp, broken pain in his heart, a burning headache, and a winded chest. he felt lightheaded like he was about to pass out. he stood up and made his way over to the couch behind him to lie down. just then, he lost his balance and fell forward, ready to collapse on the floor. however, he found himself landing in a pair of arms, and he immediately gripped on to the person's shirt and cried.

"sshhh, its okay. im here, changbin-hyung." the voice said, soothingly rubbing changbins hair. changbin recognized this voice as hyunjin's, and he sobbed even harder.

 

_changbin never really knew anyone under jyp other than his roommates (that he didnt even really know that well). he was sitting in the practice room against the cold mirror as he composed music. trainees danced in front of changbin, but he never payed attention to them. except for one trainee; hwang hyunjin. he joined a few months after changbin, so he was only new at the company. changbin had seen him around before because he recognized his friends yang jeongin and kim woojin as they hung around with chan and jisung. changbin watched hyunjin as he danced. he watched how he gracefully moved his body to a beat that was nonexistent. but when the music started playing, changbin seemed to find himself infatuated with the younger boy. he watched his every step while still pretending to be working._

_when hyunjin asked if he could hang out with changbin, changbin almost said no. he didnt really want to be friends with anyone, but hyunjin seemed to be an exception, as he said yes without hesitation. they hung out almost everyday after that point. one day, hyunjin suggested they go to each others houses. the two went to hyunjins country house in seoul first. changbin felt really awkward there, and didnt relly interact with hyunjins family or hyunjin. hyunjin offered to go to changbins if it made him feel more at ease. and thats what they did. changbin lived in a huge fancy mansion in yongin, and hyunjin kept getting lost, so changbin had to accompany him if he had to use the loo. hyunjin got on great with changbins parents, and changbin loved how caring he was towards his parents._

_changbins parents though the two were dating as changbin offered for hyunjin to sleep in his bedroom rather than in a guest room. changbins room was super small and squashed; there was no way hyunjin was sleeping on the ground. changbin said hyunjin slept on the ground with no problems, and the two kept returning to yongin every weekend after practice. changbins parents caught the two in the same bed one weekend, and told changbin to leave. they didnt want a gay son. changbin did as they told him to and never returned. he didnt tell hyunjin, but just that hed rather go to hyunjins instead of travelling out to yongin every weekend (even though the distance was short, hyunjin didnt want to argue). they went everyday back to hyunjins house where they slept before travelling back to the practice rooms. changbin felt he could trust hyunjin with his life. which is why he decided to come out properly to hyunjin._

_"hyunjin? can you keep a secret? i like someone...and theyre a boy."_

_hyunjin was super supportive, giving changbin his full support. changbin didnt want to be "that one" who was like "oh yeah btw im gay for you", because changbin didnt want to lose a friendship. hyunjin and changbin grew super close; but changbin had never told hyunjin about his depression or anxiety. until today..._

 

"hyunjin-ah, it hurts." changbin cried out, clutching onto hyunjin.

"what hurts?" hyunjin soothingly whispered, still stroking changbins hair.

"everything. it hurts- make it stop." changbin sobbed through the pain, scratching red lines into the exposed skin of hyunjin's arms. hyunjin pulled changbin towards him, holding the older boy gently in his arms as changbin sobbed into hyunjins chest. he hated seeing changbin like this, it hurt him too.

"what do you want me to do?" hyunjin replied, trying to calm changbin down.

"i-i dont know, anything to stop the pain. it hurts, it hurts so bad." changbin groaned, trying to seem strong. he didnt want to act like this around anyone; especially his best friend. he didnt want to seem weak or useless; he was strong, he was usable, he was...

none of those things. and he knew it. he was weak, useless, lacking, lazy, unlovable, mean-

"im here, changbin-hyung. you can tell me anything. ill listen."

"i know, but you dont understand me. im nothing like what you think i am." changbin spat out, sending his tears everywhere. hyunjin looked at changbin with a slight pout.

"how come?"

"my head hurts, my eyes hurt and my body hurts from no sleep. im trying to be amazing and talented and hardworking, but im not the changbin i was when i debuted with 3racha. he stomach hurts because i havent eaten properly in ages in attempt to look skinny for fans. my chest hurts from constantly crying over absolutely nothing and my heart feels broken because of my unrequited love. im not perfect; why are you still friends with me? im surprised you didnt shun me out like my whole family did." changbin yelled at hyunjin, crying once again. hyunjin stared in shock at changbin. he didnt know changbin felt this way; why didnt he say something?

he helped changbin up without saying a word and carried him bridal style back to his room he shared with jisung and seungmin. he lay changbin down in his bed and he lay next to him, pulling the covers over the two boys. changbin faced the wall and continued to cry silently onto hyunjins pillow. he felt two long arms snake around his waist, and he cried even more. he felt hyunjins breath on his neck, making him slightly shiver. hyunjin stopped.

"its okay, you can still do it." changbin whispered. he felt hyunjins breath on his neck again. he rolled over and looked at hyunjin who was smiling at changbin. it reminded him of the smile hyunjin showed him every night when they slept together. changbin smiled too as tears began flowing again.

"oh my god are you okay? do you need another crying session?" hyunjin suddenly went into panic mode. changbin smiled brightly and shook his head.

"these are happy ears, hyunjin. im happy." changbin whispered, happiness in his voice. hyunjin smiled and pushed changbin playfully. changbin pushed back, making hyunjin roll onto his back. changbin climbed on top of the younger boy and he started tickling him; one of hyunjins weaknesses. hyunjin tried to stifle laughter.

"you can laugh, yknow. seungmin and i are gonna go get food while you two lovebirds make out alone." jisung said as the two boys left the room. hyunjin and changbin went red, before hyunjin burst into laughter the second the two boys left. after a while, changbin stopped, and hyunjin came down from his laughter high. he looked up at changbin who was smiling down at hyunjin. hyunjin held changbins thighs as the two sat there in silence, just looking at each other and smiling. changbin leaned down and lay on hyunjin, his head against his chest, feeling the heartbeat of the younger boy.

"your hearts beating fast, hyunjin-ah. are you alright?" changbin asked, looking up at hyunjin.

"its beating for you." hyunjin immediately cringed at his own joke. changbin went red and cringed twice as hard. after the two finished cringing they giggled slightly and looked at each other. as if they were magnets, they started moving towards each other. changbin pressed his lips to hyunjins, and didnt know what else to do. hyunjin pulled away awkwardly and looked at changbin.

"lets never do that again, binnie-hyung." hyunjin said, smiling awkwardly at changbin. changbin looked really awkward. hyunjin pat changbin thigh, signalling for him to move. he climbed off hyunjin, and the younger of the two stood up. "im going to the bathroom, ill be back in a moment." he said, leaving changbin alone in the bedroom. changbin shrugged and snuggled up in the blankets, awaiting hyunjins return

 

**Author's Note:**

> YALL I AM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME  
> I had this idea for a while and wanted to try it in writing.  
> Thank you all for reading this, I really appreciate it


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